Lee today

I was born in 1979 and had a fantastic childhood, really fun, loving and happy, but the whole time I felt that there was something slightly askew. At the age of 17 I came out as gay and had a variety of reactions from family, friends and colleagues. I was very naïve and thought that I was accepted, as it was now the 90’s and being gay was supposed to be more tolerated. For the most part life was great and most people were okay with it, but I did have some unpleasant times at college, with bullying.

Although, I felt a lot more at ease with myself, there was still something nagging at me and it wasn’t until I started talking to my girlfriend at the time, I realised how unhappy I was with my body. I’d always felt uncomfortable with it and was delighted when someone mistook me for male, but I thought this was all part of being a dyke. We watched some programmes on TV about Female to Male Transsexuals and realised that this applied to me too. There was so little information around I was unsure where to go and who to talk to about it, so it lay dormant for a few years.

At the age of 19, I changed my name to Lee and then at 20, I plucked up the courage to go to the doctor and find out what I could do about it.

He referred me to a Gender Identity Clinic in the area and after a while I got an appointment there. As I was so naïve and knew nothing about Transgenderism, I didn’t know what to expect or what I could possibly do. It took me a long time to realise that I was male or that I could live as male, because I was scared of how tremendously it would affect my life. I knew I would have to tell everyone I knew, as it’s quite a big thing to hide and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do that. All I knew was that I could no longer live as female, as it just wasn’t me and it was making me extremely unhappy.

As time went on, I found out more and more about what treatment was available, for example, hormones and surgery etc, and became more at ease with the idea of the changes these would bring about.

I told my family, who were incredibly supportive, which gave me the courage to take the plunge. It had got to the point where I knew that I could no longer live as female, so I had two alternatives – suicide or hormones. Fortunately, I found the courage to live my life, however scary that prospect became and I decided to challenge the normal notions of gender.

I have now been on testosterone injections for four years and had chest surgery three years ago. I have grown so much and am confident and full of life. I smile constantly and am so proud of my body and who I have managed to become. I know it sounds clichéd, but I now have the body and the self image that I’ve always imagined I should have had. My body and my mental self are much better aligned and aren’t fighting each other anymore.

For me support was vital and I was very fortunate in the amount of support I received from my family and friends. I always crave to meet other people like myself, as I can relax and don’t have to explain myself. There are many support groups around the UK. The national group is the FTM Network – http://www.ftm.org.uk/. My own group T-Boys is based in Yorkshire and you can contact me by e-mail at tboys@lycos.co.uk, or call me on 0702 1122998.